parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. And Im sorry for that. But dont try to play us off against each other. I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. Can you repeat what you just said? Fine, thanks.. 3. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: I sympathize with their reasons for having trouble planning, but I also do find it a little irksome that they only initiate actual plans once a year for their birthday while still making all the sounds about wanting to hang out. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. Like now? I suppose its more of an emotional labor thing? Person A: Hi, how are you? The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. Yep, my wife and I too. Or you pretend to suddenly get involved in learning new cooking recipes, or working on your car, or doing competitive chess, or something that isnt a once-a-month kind of hobby. Why does it need taking care of?? Its a little startling to hear something super serious like life is really dark so that would be a surprise here as well. A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. eh, my mother does that. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? Theres also It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. This relationship goes both ways. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. What are you doing this weekend? I hate this question too because likeI dont always pick up on it! Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. When I asked him later, What the heck? Am I Really? Ive had trouble with that one, too. Skip the part where you say Ill have to check my calendar or even Im not surejust go ahead and ask them what they have in mind! You'll hear it regularly in speech, and people actually might think it sounds funny/wrong to say "Well.". Ive learned a lot of strategies.). I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? Ive got some stuff to do around the house, etc. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. Then, I asked her, why did she ask ME? I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. Given that the cousin is seeking babysitting, What are you doing on Thursday, followed by, Great, youre available to babysit for me! is an incredibly rude and pushy way to go about asking for that favor. Why do you ask? Its a polite way of communicating WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. Which I guess was appropriately scary for the season? I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. But it can still be frustrating to deal with. I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. As I explained, however, sometimes responding to a compliment requires a funny response. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. I love you. Add me as another one for Why? or Why do you ask? Because Ive discovered the people who ask what Im doing are usually people who want to ask me to do something they know I wont want to do (usually. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. That it can be based on something as intangible as a mood. Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me. I get you wanting to be met at the airport under those circumstances. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! My current boss is a total jerk. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Its tiring. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. What are you up to this weekend? What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. To the point she gets fallout for being unhelpful if she doesnt do it? Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. Give small truths. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. LW, I forgot the part where you said some of this is coming from people youre chatting to on dating websites, and you feel like its an attempt to get you to plan the date. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. 21. When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. Aunt: Good! Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! No way. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. 2. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. Are you doing anything this Thursday night? whyyyy do you need to know? It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. This is my reaction. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. What are you planning? and nowadays I find that a great answer. Rob: I'm just leaving for work. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. not? It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. I guess the conclusion is, ask more directly up front, and if I know someone has a hard time saying no, make sure I explicitly say, its okay to say no, or something similar. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. I'll leave you to be the judge of when it's most appropriate, all . Funny Mom Quotes (and Sayings) friend: yep cool I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. And its hard to argue with. E- Engage in the fun. You're very welcome. I have trouble entertaining myself sometimes, I definitely dont want to try to entertain babies and pets. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. I just want to say I appreciate that, you know, you havent started charging your daughter rent, etc. Helen Huntington already explained it very well. A party people pop quiz so to speak. This isnt a high-stakes issue like the LW that was abusing their partner. Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. Our relationship got better when I moved out. 2. Especially since they explicitly mention friends, relatives, and people on dating sites. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. That doesnt make it okay. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. I loathe this question, and Ive been getting it a lot lately. More and more, Ive been owning that I dont ever have to say yes. K- keep a distance from work. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. So, when I do this I really am trying to get a feel for whether a busy people-pleaser like my Sis actually has time to do something on Saturday, rather than outright asking from the start and leading to her twisting herself into a pretzel trying to free up that specific block of time for me because she doesnt want to say no, Reading the LWs feelings about this situation and the comments, I can totally understand why someone would hate being asked in this way and why it might make it harder for some people to refuse something they dont want to do after theyve said theyre free, but Im still not quite sure what the solution is when dealing with someone who usually *does* seem to treat invitations as subpoenas. I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". , I am in a cat trance. Thanks for the invite though!. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Others also have lives to plan and need to know (cancel event, find someone else, make other plans). What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. You: Yeah, we should. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. 3. Well, it is a basic level of people-ing that you need to get used to if you want to interact with other humans, yanno. Im right there with you. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. Suggesting someones internal dialogue over a situation is a pretty extreme response feels blame-y and a way to police someones (totally valid) feels. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. How are you? Mostly they arent great at invitations. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine.